subject: Okay. 29 Jul 2004|12:56pm So, my mom wants to get a 5 star luxury hotel right in Manhattan. I know my mom can get a little batty and reckless when she's kind of stressed. I should probably talk her out of it. Because we don't have that kind of money, especially if we're going to New York City, and especially if we are already planning to see several shows on Broadway. But you know, that would be kind of cool. I wonder what a really good hotel looks like? I'm reading The Da Vinci Code right now. There's more historical information in it than my textbooks. The book makes me feel kind of ignorant, though. I feel decidedly dirty when I feel ignorant. Maybe it's because I was never a devout, church-going Christian anyway, so I never bothered to really learn about the religion's origin. It's not like I went to bible classes like my friends did for confirmation. My only memories of church were when I was a six year old child, wondering exactly what I was so fervently praying for, and why people went up there to eat little wafer things (that, in my opinion, looked kind of delicious) and if whatever was in that cup would taste like grape juice. 5 comments|post comment

subject: Leave you when the summer comes, leave you when the summer comes a-rollin' 22 Jul 2004|07:45pm Username Meme, stolen from tempestus Tell me, how did you come up with your current username? I'm just curious. declivitous-- I was reading the dictionary. 4 comments|post comment

subject: Everything sucks balls. I suck balls too. 21 Jul 2004|01:32pm Yea. Jesse and people are going to the pool and she invited me to go but I don't have a frickin' ride. Which is really pathetic. I may just walk over there. Boris might be there and Boris is so fucking hilarious you will hate him. I want to go to the brand new spanking pool, damn it. Edit: I forgot. Some weirdo girl IMed me. Apparently she goes to my school but I don't know who the hell she is. She was all, 'Soooo, you wanna see a pic of me?' I am like, 'No. Please, little girl, I don't know you. Don't talk to me.' Except I just said no and signed off. All the more reason for a new sn. I heard this girl stalked people. 7 comments|post comment

subject: Hi. 21 Jul 2004|12:01am 1. I need a new AIM sn. Something really witty, huh? 2. I went shopping. 3. I did that sex meme thing from raenen but IE crashed. It took me so DAMN LONG. But the synopsis is that I agreed to screw more than half of the people on that list. I'm just really friendly. Or maybe those people are just really hot. Or I am just horny? I think I got a domain name. I'm not sure. Say hi. post comment

subject: Decisions. 18 Jul 2004|12:37pm Don't you ever feel like: 'Okay, this fic is killing me, I'm not going to write anymore of it', and then someone reviews it and says something flattering and you are all like 'God damn it.' That is what I am like. Maybe I will simply stop writing new fiction. Only one-shots. That is the declivitous policy. Whatever. post comment

subject: Wah, my journal. 17 Jul 2004|11:39pm My paid account expires tomorrow. Actually, it's about 11:40 PM right now...so in about 20 minutes, right? This makes me very melancholy. 7 comments|post comment

subject: 16 Jul 2004|07:19pm My foot is purple . Like bruised-purple. The bottom is, anyway, very, very, purple, and it looks very diseased and disgusting. I think it is from practicing Fantaisie Impromptu for two hours, because I was pressing down on the pedal too hard. I hope it is. Although the color doesnt' seem to be going away. Agh! My poor foot! :( 4 comments|post comment

subject: Hugs. 15 Jul 2004|11:50pm Thanks to everyone who commented and consoled on the last post. Things'll get better, though. :-) I mean, they have to, don't they? As long as I have my mother to work things out with, I think it'll be okay. On a completely different, happier(?) note: Oh, look. His wand is lit. post comment

subject: love hurts. 15 Jul 2004|11:51am mood | tearful music | I wish I could write happy, just like before. I love my mom. So fucking much. And especially now, when she's hurting so badly, I'm lost and I don't know what to do. She's always been the one that was so indefinitely strong and so invincible. But you look at her now, and she's always so angry. I can't get angry back at her, not like when I knew she was angry because she was angry. Now, she's angry because she's so damn tired. And I can't do a single thing about it; that's how incompetent I am. She talks about going back to her home country and how she wants to so, so, so, so bad. She wants to see her own mother, she wants to see her own string of sisters and one brother and nieces and nephews and uncles and cousins and family. But I'm such a selfish bitch, I can't give that to her. She's said before that she wouldn't leave me, but she's so serious now. Maybe she's decided it's now or never. I'm wondering if I could ever give up the life I have here to give her hers. I'm half afraid she might actually leave me, but...that's silly, right? She's so weak. I can see her on the verge of tears every single moment of the day, and I feel this anger churn deep in my stomach, the kind of anger that doesn't go away ever. And then, I am so fucking PISSED at my dad, at his side of the family for doing this to MY MOTHER and I want to shoot them all down with a gun and ask them WHO THE HELL THEY ARE FOR DOING THIS TO HER. And the worst part is: I still miss my dad. And I still hope, every day, and I still pray to God--no, not pray, bargain with the fucker, that if He returns my family to me, I'll be the best girl I've ever been. And I guess this is why there is no such thing as God. I'm sorry for spamming your friendslist with useless garbage. But I really need to spill right now. 4 comments|post comment

subject: B/T Archive test page 11 Jul 2004|05:39pm This isn't the real website, but just a test. Please view http://bellatrixtom.atspace.com/bt.htm. If the colors of the top banner and the background do not match perfectly, please tell me in a comment and also what browser you are using. Apparently, Netscape 6 is making the colors all awry, while IE 5.1 views it fine. I need to know if other version of IE are okay too. In return, I offer you virtual oatmeal raisin cookies. 2 comments|post comment

subject: The Notebook 10 Jul 2004|11:35pm mood | amused music | Miss Misery-- Elliott Smith I saw The Notebook today. It was good. Better than I originally thought it would be. It avoided a lot of typical love story cliches but without being overly unfamiliar. As usual, what bought me over was the cinematography and the score. And there's another soundtrack added to the list of Soundtracks I Must Eventually Buy. People behind and in front of me were bawling. I just don't understand how they can be shaking their shoulders and rummaging in their bags for tissues at a movie like this. But then again, this comes from someone who has never cried at a movie before, so there you are. So, yes, go see it if you have the time. See it with you Mom, friend, boyfriend, whoever. And if you are a sucker for love stories, for God's sake, bring Kleenex(es). post comment

subject: I jumped on a bandwagon, yay. 10 Jul 2004|12:47am Shamelessly stolen from gifted_dream. 0= I don't know you. 1= I like you. 2= I love you!! 3= You are funny. 4= You are cool. 5= I don't really care for your personality. 6= I want to fuck you. 7= You are sexy! 8= You're a sweetheart. 9= I want to get to know you better. 10= I hope you die. 11= Marry me, PLEASE? 12= Let's makeout. Pick one (or two, if both really, really apply.) :-p 3 comments|post comment

subject: Bloody hell. 09 Jul 2004|03:15pm After a long day of promoting, I am happy to say that bellatrixtom has finally had it's grand opening. Hurrah. Tell a friend. *drops dead* post comment

subject: Bellatrix 08 Jul 2004|10:56pm mood | artistic music | Fantaisie Impromptu--Chopin I need pictures to use as Bellatrix for the community bellatrixtom. I have no idea who is appropriate for this, but that's where your friends list comes in. Hopefully. 5 comments|post comment

subject: New Journal Layout. 08 Jul 2004|12:11pm Yea, I had to change it again, so this time I made a flower theme, using the pictures I took of the flowers Mother got. Tell me what you think, if something is a bad color, if something is cluttered, or something is missing. 7 comments|post comment

subject: It's like a bloody farce. Except it's real, and it's not funny. 07 Jul 2004|10:00pm mood | angry Scene: Father's bumbling footsteps can be heard all the way upstairs as he climbs up the steps to the front door. I freeze in my bedroom. He enters the stage. On cue, Mother's voice goes up way too high in pitch, shrill and unpleasant as she yells and yells and yells. Father's voice is slow, deep and rumbling and also sporadic. She is yelling about many things. He barely speaks a word. He thinks keeping silent is keeping your dignity, too. To him, everything is about appearances and most importantly, his pride. His pride is what has been our whole family's downfall, she says. He storms out without a word, so prideful, so dignified, and drives away in his car. I am angry at him. Angry and hurt but most of all, sad. Sadder than I've ever felt, because nothing is sadder than being so angry that you feel as if you might burst. I can't remember the last time I've had talked to him, or looked at his face properly. But then, I realize, I'm missing something that I've never had. I thought you only missed those things that you lost? Guess people are wrong. But like he says, the facade is the most important part. The surface is all they see, and it's all he cares about. He seems to care about that more than he does us. So we pretend we are a perfect, happy family. End scene. post comment

subject: 04 Jul 2004|11:14pm Review Irk #1: When you clearly state that the ficlet is a ONE SHOT in the summary, yet practically every single reviewer ends with, 'More!' or 'updait soon pleez'. 2 comments|post comment

subject: Bottle. 03 Jul 2004|01:25am I went to see The Terminal today. Tom Hanks is cute in that Can-I-Just-Hug-You way. I wish I were in New York right now. I'm wondering what I'm doing stuck in Ohio. Life is like one big merry-go-round right now. It's dull as hell but just won't stop. Don't you have some days when you just sit quietly, except you shouldn't, because when you do sit down and do nothing, you start thinking, and thinking leads you to remembering a lot of things you don't really care to remember. Sometimes I try and pray to God so that maybe God can help me stop being so damn perfectionist and so paranoid about succeeding and being so critical and all of that, but then I remember I'm something of an atheist, and the idea of praying to myself depresses me. I need sleep. Good night, if anyone is taking the time to read this. 1 comment|post comment

subject: 01 Jul 2004|09:49pm Today, I was writing a ficlet on the computer and noticed one of those bugs-with-too-many-legs dangling precariously on the ceiling. I think it is the same bugger than was crawling around the floor a few days ago. The point was that I was a bit wary of this one, because I kept remembering a few years back. I was sitting on the bed reading. I had a sprained ankle. Then, a huge, cockroached size bug drops with a disgusting plop next to me. I jump and without thinking, run for the bathroom. I hobble and fall on my ankle. Ah, I am really very stupid most of the time. But the point is that bugs perturb me, especially big ones. And it disturbs me that this house seems to be a haven for them. Isn't it just cute to think that you could wake up with a nice spider sitting on your face? post comment

subject: Disgusting. 30 Jun 2004|05:45pm I was browsing through the channels today, about ready to insert Amadeus in the PS2, when I come across Maury. I hate this show. And today, they were doing fat babies. I am talking about three year olds being 117 pounds or something. Which is sick, because that's more than I weigh, and the little girl is three fucking years old. Some of the moms are out there crying, and a few of them are vehemently defending themselves, asking everyone why they should deny their babies all the food they want. What are they smoking? I swear, those babies need to be put out of the care of their current parents, because at this rate they are going to kill their child with the amount of food they are feeding them. It kind of does become a problem when all your 9 month old baby does is sit there and eat steak while watching TV and weighs around 40 pounds. Disgusting. I don't even know why I bothered wasting a couple minutes of my life to watch the trashy show, but there you are. post comment